August 2010
1 post
Hate & Love
It has been well over a week since my last post; I hope to be more frequent.
I’m struggling with believing the truth that God loves me. I know it as fact, but at times it is not easy to believe on the personal level. I’m really hoping for a job soon, though none of my applications seem to go further than an interview. I am terrified at the prospect of becoming homeless and losing...
July 2010
11 posts
It Is Well With My Soul
One of my favorite songs, which of late I can’t sing it without tearing up. It is well with my soul, even through hard trials, and when I have trouble believing it; it is truly well with my soul, because of Christ. Because of His death for my sins, taking on the wrath of God that I deserve. For God to love and save someone like me is a Love that no words in any language of man could ever...
Monotony
I am very convicted over my sins, particularly not taking advantage of the day and being productive, and my struggle with impurity. I want to be more productive and motivated to do what I am supposed to be doing. Therefore, I must again look to the Cross, and put my trust in Him and His empowering grace to move me forward.
Jesus is all I have.
Anxiety
It is such a bitter poison; a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, like a venom coursing through your veins, darkening one’s heart with fear and despair. Too often do I drink this bitter poison.
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and...
Anguish
My heart is so prone to wander away from God. I draw near to Him and cling to His grace, and then forget and chase after vile idols. But if it were not for Him to pursue me, and lay into my heart, there would be no hope. It is so easy to forget the promises of God and despair. It is a fight to hold on to God’s promises and to trust in Him. But He is there every step of the way, even when it feels...
Tears
After a full night of watching movies and other distractions and not being able to sleep, I finally came to realize why this insomnia has happened. God was allowing it so that my mental defenses would weaken and I would have to face reality. I really wanted to forget it all with alcohol last night, but instead, I distracted myself with movies. But when the movies are over and the sun has come...
Conflict
As of right now, I just want to get wasted and forget everything. I despair life. It is hard to enjoy the small things when all the big things seem like their going in the wrong direction. It is so easy for me to forget that God loves me and despair. In hindsight, I do enjoy the small things, it just seems overcast by this onset of distress. And I feel foolish over all of this. I want to...
Insomnia Deux: Vicariously
I don’t know why my body reacts to stress with insomnia. I think my poor eating habits of late have only worsened it. And my dislike of this state of being leads me to vicarious living through fictional character via shows and movies. It is a complete, though temporary, mental escape for me; I am completely absorbed into the characters and story. This is what I did during my inability to...
Apathy
It always seems like I write these when my mind is on the brink of exhaustion.
Honestly, I have wasted today away. I have accomplished nothing, other than getting a few groceries. I hate my apathy; not that I am unwilling to care about things, it’s just that I am frustrated that I can’t seem to muster it up. I’d rather weep in sorrow than dwell in this state. I think it...
Peace & Unease
This has to be the most odd emotion of all, a dual feeling of two seemingly opposite emotions. I really feel at peace and uneasy at the same time. I am at peace knowing that God will take care of me, but uneasy with the uncertainty of the future and the possibility of having to do things that are hard. But even with the unease, the peace is so sweet.
Insomnia
Why does my body react to stress by refusing to sleep? I hate that I can’t really feel emotions in this state. It’s like my mind is just on autopilot, lacking any motivation. I guess the best thing to to is just pray.
Fear
Is it ok to admit that one is afraid?
I’ve titled this blog Honestly for the sole purpose of putting honesty to practice. The truth is, I am terrified. I don’t know what life has in store for me. I want to say that every thing is ok and that I’ve put all my trust in God. But I haven’t. It’s not easy. I don’t want to suffer. I know that the Bible says...