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Honestly

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Hate & Love

It has been well over a week since my last post; I hope to be more frequent.

I’m struggling with believing the truth that God loves me.  I know it as fact, but at times it is not easy to believe on the personal level.  I’m really hoping for a job soon, though none of my applications seem to go further than an interview.  I am terrified at the prospect of becoming homeless and losing my friends.  

Instead of trusting in God, I have gave in to the desires of my flesh; I have tightened my grip to my idols.  I hate it.  I hate my sin.  I hate my idols.  I hate that feeling that His Spirit is miles away because of the deadness of sin.  I want to be close to Him.  I want to walk in repentance.  I to deny myself for His glory.  I want to love Him more and not live in this state where I find myself at times questioning His love.

Even so, there is always hope to hold on to.  I have a temporary job this weekend that will allow me more time to look for a job.  I pray that God will let me have a job; that I will not give up; that my idols be cast away; that I hold closely to His love and grace; and that I move forward in life and break away from this limbo.  I thank God for my friends; I know that they pray for me.  May God be glorified through my life, no matter what.

Jesus is all I have.

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It Is Well With My Soul

One of my favorite songs, which of late I can’t sing it without tearing up.  It is well with my soul, even through hard trials, and when I have trouble believing it; it is truly well with my soul, because of Christ.  Because of His death for my sins, taking on the wrath of God that I deserve.  For God to love and save someone like me is a Love that no words in any language of man could ever do justice.

I see now that God has taken a lot of the things that I want away from me in order to bring me back to Him.  He has broken my idols that I have clung to.  He is laying into my heart over my poor stewardship, my immorality, my laziness.  I want to be a good steward of my possessions.  I want to be pure.  I want to be diligent.  Therefore, I must depend on God’s grace to carry me through, to change my heart from it’s wicked ways and toward God’s will to worship and glorify Him.

I praise God for his discipline.  Even though I am in a rough spot of trying to find a job, a place to stay, and a healthy community of believers; I still praise Him for it.  It has brought me to desperately cling on the mercies of God, which came through the Cross.  I hope that when this trial passes that I won’t give in to the conforts of this world, but continue to cling on the true contentment that is Christ.  It is well with my soul.

Jesus is all I have.

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Monotony

I am very convicted over my sins, particularly not taking advantage of the day and being productive, and my struggle with impurity.  I want to be more productive and motivated to do what I am supposed to be doing.  Therefore, I must again look to the Cross, and put my trust in Him and His empowering grace to move me forward.  

Jesus is all I have.

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Anxiety

It is such a bitter poison; a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, like a venom coursing through your veins, darkening one’s heart with fear and despair.  Too often do I drink this bitter poison.  

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.  Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:4-9 ESV)

Such beautiful words that cut to the heart, bleed out the poison, and heals the soul.  How easy it is to forget, and let the devil poison you; but, by the grace of Christ we can trust in Him and have peace and joy in Him, and He will guard our hearts and minds.

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38&39 ESV)

Jesus is all I have.

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Anguish

My heart is so prone to wander away from God. I draw near to Him and cling to His grace, and then forget and chase after vile idols. But if it were not for Him to pursue me, and lay into my heart, there would be no hope. It is so easy to forget the promises of God and despair. It is a fight to hold on to God’s promises and to trust in Him. But He is there every step of the way, even when it feels like He’s miles away, He is still there. He loves me! What a precious truth; one that I often need to be reminded of. And it is the only thing that can get me out of despair, His love. Life is hard, am I terrified of the possibility of becoming homeless, I am in dire need of a job, and I am easily discouraged; but what keeps me going is His love. His love is greater than the highest mountains, deeper than the oceans, His greatest expression of His love is the Cross. He died for me, a wicked man that I am. I cannot fathom it, words can’t do it justice. Pray for me, for it is easy to fall.

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Tears

After a full night of watching movies and other distractions and not being able to sleep, I finally came to realize why this insomnia has happened.  God was allowing it so that my mental defenses would weaken and I would have to face reality.  I really wanted to forget it all with alcohol last night, but instead, I distracted myself with movies.  But when the movies are over and the sun has come up, reality closes in like a tidal wave.  Accepting reality no longer seems like choice, it’s just there, crashing.  I finally broke down and prayed, not with words, but sobs.  I pleaded my case before God, and then wept over my many sins, and cried over the fact that God loves someone like me.  And all these bitter tears became tears of joy.  God loves me, this is what keeps me going and gives me hope, nothing else matters.  Jesus is all I have.  ”And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."(Philippians 1.6)

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Conflict

As of right now, I just want to get wasted and forget everything.  I despair life.  It is hard to enjoy the small things when all the big things seem like their going in the wrong direction.  It is so easy for me to forget that God loves me and despair.  In hindsight, I do enjoy the small things, it just seems overcast by this onset of distress.  And I feel foolish over all of this.  I want to stay, I don’t want to move out of this city.  I know that it is a possibility, but not for certain.  I want to stay and be a missionary and bring the Gospel to the local people.  I want to be in community with the people here.  I want to make music that brings glory to God here with these people.  I want to be a part of a movement of God here for a great revival of this area.  But the biggest reason I want to stay, and the reason why I feel foolish about it, is a girl.  I don’t want her to become an idol, so I have distanced myself and prayed many times over this because I am so conflicted over this.  I wish life was simple, and that God would help me understand.

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Insomnia Deux: Vicariously

I don’t know why my body reacts to stress with insomnia.  I think my poor eating habits of late have only worsened it.  And my dislike of this state of being leads me to vicarious living through fictional character via shows and movies.  It is a complete, though temporary, mental escape for me; I am completely absorbed into the characters and story.  This is what I did during my inability to sleep.

It seems like I cannot do anything right.  Everyday I neglect the things that I am supposed to be doing, and do the things I ought not.  I need to throw myself upon the grace of God, for in reality, He is all I have.  I am tried of lying to people, trying to seek their approval.  I have not been looking as hard as I ought for a job; I am horribly lazy; I have no self control; I keep biting the bait, and am very often ensnared by the enemy.  Christ is my only hope.  I pray that God will destroy my idols, tear them from my hands.  I want God to do what ever it takes for me to be more Christ-like, even if it costs me everything.

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Apathy

It always seems like I write these when my mind is on the brink of exhaustion.

Honestly, I have wasted today away.  I have accomplished nothing, other than getting a few groceries.  I hate my apathy; not that I am unwilling to care about things, it’s just that I am frustrated that I can’t seem to muster it up.  I’d rather weep in sorrow than dwell in this state.  I think it stems from my lack of self-control, and the many snares that I have gotten myself into.  But even still, my soul cries out to God, though at times it’s like a distant echo muffled by my flesh, yet it cries out still.  May God’s grace abound to empower me to repent and do His will.

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Peace & Unease

This has to be the most odd emotion of all, a dual feeling of two seemingly opposite emotions.  I really feel at peace and uneasy at the same time.  I am at peace knowing that God will take care of me, but uneasy with the uncertainty of the future and the possibility of having to do things that are hard.  But even with the unease, the peace is so sweet.

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